


Steve doesn't know what boobs are (he barely knows what a dick is)

by 99MillionMiles



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: (it's a meme but it's also the truth), ;), But is it actually hetero if it only happens in a dream???, Crack, Dreams and Nightmares, F/F, F/M, Female Bucky Barnes, Female Tony, Female Tony Stark, He's allucinating, He's in a committed relationship with Bucky, Hurray for the new year, In one of Steve's dreams, Just has a few wild dreams, M/M, Multi, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Pure Crack, So far this year I've learned that I'm a) out of control and b) gayer than i thought i was, This is the only vaguely hetero fanfic I've written ever since 2012, female bucky, nothing graphic, poor steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-09-30 13:10:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17224673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/99MillionMiles/pseuds/99MillionMiles
Summary: Steve dreams of Bucky and Tony as their respective female versions. He's mildly terrified by the sight of their boobs.





	Steve doesn't know what boobs are (he barely knows what a dick is)

**Author's Note:**

> I just want ya'll to know that the original title in italian was _Steve non sa cosa siano le tette (a malapena sa che cos'è un cazzo)_. It sounds way funnier in my mothertongue.
> 
> Honestly, this is just crack. Happy new year!

Steve blinks once, and then he sees him.

 

No, not him – _her_. Her hair all curly, styled but still messy, a rich, deep brown that Steve would never fail to recognize in any life, in any time, in any dream; all he can see from where he stands is Bucky's – _Becky's?_ – white shoulders, barely grazed by her hair and barely visible underneath the shirt she's wearing, and he finds himself moving towards her as soon as he hears her quiet sobs.

“Becks?” He says, without even registering the words coming out of his throat. “What's wrong?”

Becky sobs again and her shoulders shake as she pulls away from him, slapping his hands away. “Leave me alone!” She cries out, throwing her hands in front of her own face to cover it.

It feels like some sort of dream; all Steve can do is knowing that he and Bucky, he and _Becky_ , have never kept any secret from each other. All he can do is move a little forward, extending his arm to touch her shoulder gently, stroking it reassuringly when she doesn't push him away like she had before.

  
“It's okay,” he murmurs, hoping to soothe her with both his words and gestures. “You know that there's nothing you can't tell me. What's the matter?”

“You want to know what the matter is?” Becky whispers, sniffling loudly at the same time. She sounds kind of scary. “You _really_ want to know, Steve?”

“I – I do,” Steve confirms, a little taken aback by the clear threatening note in her voice. “Yeah. Yeah, Becks – just tell me.”

And that's when Becky turns around so fast that Steve almost falls to the floor; she screams right in his face, clearly neurotic, and says, “I've got _boobs_!”

As demonstration, she lifts her shirt up, and – huh – those _are_ indeed tiny, little boobs she's got there.

Steve feels himself blushing to his death.

“Are you happy now?!” Becky yells, pulling her shirt down again. “Gonna marry me now that you've seen me?! God, I hope so,” she hisses, marching back and forth. “I can't have these _things_ hanging off me, Steve! They're gonna slow me down! Have you seen my mom? Have you seen the kind of breasts she has?! I can't end up like her, Steve! I _cannot_!”

She suddenly stops in the middle of the room, hands on her hips and eyes fixed on Steve. “Well?” She says, angry at him for something. Steve swallows. “Aren't you going to say something?”

“I,” Steve says, and gulps down some air again, “I think I'm gonna have an asthma attack?”

Becky throws her arms up in the air. “Not! _Helpful_!” She says, exasperated. “This isn't about you, Steve! This is about _me_! You know what happened this morning? Do _you_ , Steve?”

She doesn't even wait for him to shake his head before she continues. “I woke up, I go to the bathroom, and there – there it is, Steve! I call my Ma, ask her to have a look, my Ma is too busy to care about me, I call my sisters, nobody comes, I grow bloody tired of screaming down the house and I yank my window open and show my underwear to the neighbor, and she says, sure enough, she _confirms_ , that I got _bloody menstruation_! And she just says, _you're not pregnant, honey, hurray_!”

Becky groans out loud, letting herself fall seated on the floor after her outburst, emotions changing too quickly for Steve to follow. “I've got blood between my legs, Stevie,” she says, defeated. “And I've got _boobs_.”

 

Steve clears his throat. Thinks of something smart to say.

 

“Your boobs look nice,” he nods firmly.

 

Becky takes her shoe off, and throws it right at Steve's nose.

 

*

 

Steve blinks twice, and finds his lap full of a beautiful, black-haired woman.

She looks nothing like Bucky – _Becky_ ; she doesn't have any half-formed curve, any adolescent feature in her face, and she's quite _heavy_ in his lap. Not a dramatic teenager; a determined _woman_ , if her gaze is anything to go by.

“I've missed you, sugar,” she says, pressing a kiss to his lips before he can even ask himself who the _hell_ she is. “Been thinking of you all day. I was down in the lab, building Mark 42, bored to death – you should come down and see it, yeah? Or just come, period,” she says, smirking as she pulls away just enough for him to notice her doing it, and – Steve has already _seen_ that smirk –

“Tony,” he calls, breathlessly. His hands shoot up, determined not to touch _anything_. “Tonya – ”

She grabs his hands and brings them back to her hips; she's blissfully still mostly dressed, but she's doing a quick work of her shirt's buttons with the hand that's currently not busy keeping Steve in place by pressing down the middle of his collarbones. “I'm not wearing anything under this shirt,” she breaths into his ear, and Steve really, really, _really_ does _not_ want to see any of that –

 

He barely catches a glimpse of her boobs before he's gone.

 

*

 

 

Steve blinks again, and he's back with Becky. What's weird is that she looks quite a bit older than before, and she's wearing a uniform; Peggy's uniform, or at least one that looks like hers. Her hair is styled into the 1940's trademark style for women, and he kinda gapes at her for a moment as she moves around the tend they're in like she owns the entire goddamn regimen.

“What?” She chuckles, seemingly amused by his staring when she notices it. “Anything you haven't seen before, Stevie, right?”

And that's where she's wrong. She's Bucky, _his_ Bucky, and Steve will always feel attracted to any version of him in the world; it's not about his body. It's about his eyes, the shape of his mouth, the smell of his skin.

Becky chuckles again. “Stop looking at me like that. We don't have time for that stuff now.”

But one corner of her mouth curls into a rebellious smile, and her hand already flies to her shirt to unbutton it slowly. “Or do we?”

 

Steve notices the black fabric of her bra just in time for it all to dissolve before his eyes.

*

 

 

He blinks one more time, and what he sees truly, completely, horribly _terrifies_ him.

Becky and Tonya are having all the _fun_ without him, and oh god, make it stop make it stop _make it stop_ before Becky takes Tonya's bra off, please, _please_ dear god –

 

Steve blinks one last time.

 

*

 

His back lifts on its own, making him sit up on the mattress all of a sudden, irremediably waking up Bucky, who was sleeping rather peacefully by his side until now. Bucky groans quietly as Steve's chest rises and falls faster than it ever has, and Steve's really tempted to open the windows and yell all his thanks to Jesus for not having had to witness – _that_.

“Stevie,” Bucky calls, all sleepy and clearly displeased by all the fuss he's making, “are you okay?”

And Steve only has one thought in mind.

He throws the blanket off Bucky's body, completely ignoring Bucky's protests as he lifts his shirt, too – and there they are!!!! The only boobs Steve will _ever_ want in his life!!!!

“God, I've missed you so bad,” Steve sighs, and pushes his face right into Bucky's chest. His puffy nipples welcome him back home.

“You're so fucking weird,” Bucky grunts, and just lets him do his thing.

 

 

 

 


End file.
